Jun 5, 2019
Yesterday, I was up early, or, perhaps, up late. Sleeping well has remained a challenge, but we’re getting the hang of disrupted sleep. Rather than become frustrated, we do what’s necessary, sometimes we sip tea, and then we piece our bodies together until the calm of sleep returns. The unrest of chemo has me with a stomach leading me to bow before the least holy place in our bathroom, for nights. Adding to our unrest was our appointment with the surgeon. This appointment- I’ve been dreading. I’d do anything to skip surgery. Scans showed mostly favorable results, but, we knew regardless, the double mastectomy was not negotiable.
As I prepared for our early appointment, at an even earlier, ungodly hour, I sat in a warm bath. I calmed my nerves by allowing breath to bring me back to the present. I began a meditation and drifted to a peaceful place for a few welcomed minutes. Breathing and meditation are new tools in my box, and thankfully the practice is aiding in my stress management. One line from the meditation caught my awareness... “You are part of something much bigger in this life. You choose to show up and honor the opportunity you’ve been given.” As simple as this sounds, and as much as I’ve faced this far, I knew there was truth here. The opportunity I’ve been given isn’t one everyone gets, and it is honorable to show up and participate and say thank you, even when the opportunity might not be one we would have picked. So, again, I gathered my fearful frame, balanced each precarious bone on the next, and out we went to honor the day and opportunity- surgeon, scans, yesterday.
Surgery has been scheduled early next month. I’ll not know how to face it, but I will honor the day and give thanks to God for this life. I’ll bring my smile and I’ll face the fear, and I’ll arrive on the other side, even if wet cheeked. Before, I’ll soak up the way the sunlight shimmies through the tree leaves, dance with friends around a campfire under the stars, swim in a crispy cool lake, and nourish myself and those I love with good food. Let the moments this summer be so good we sop each bit up, as the days drip from our elbows like overripe strawberries.