Jun 24, 2019

We sat clicked into our seats in row 27, aboard our flight to my hometown. I stared out from my window seat and began to think about how much I’ve loved running away- Always one to make a quick move, try a new horizon, spontaneously take up one place, leaving another. Gordon and I both love the freshness of heading out, even if only for a few days, and especially when things are tough.

Like a runaway child, with gathered treasures in tow, the hope a different direction, a rebellion toward reality. Most grownups are aware as their kids make an escape for the door, and the best practiced will just watch and allow the adventure, wise to the fact that to run away is really nothing more than a play of make believe. We all end up back home.

Today, I’m picturing us as a young boy and girl. I see us holding hands, chasing the sinking sun as it dips into the horizon. Like most grown ups, we know we’ll be returning, but still, we make like children and take off, wishing and pretending we were innocently unaware that we’ll be back in a handful of days to walk through the door we’d rather not.

In honesty, thinking about surgery has mostly been getting easier. I have felt like my fear was transforming to courage... and it is! Light pierces through, and something you can’t imagine starts becoming visible. But, things are ever shifting, and today I feel washed over. I feel back at that place of, “I don’t want to!” And I know this is ok. I hold tight to all pleasantry, yet make space for the pain and value it too.

Maybe it’s that this trip was planned as a renaissance, a bucket list, a closure, a beginning. Maybe it’s that this trip starts a slip and slide of planned fun that will give us a thrill, prior to what is to come. Maybe it’s that I know that this trip is the first step to walking into the hospital on July 10, I don’t know. What I do know- today is all we’ve got. Surgery will come, the emotion and shifts won’t stop.

We might as well run off toward life and make and believe, as we celebrate and teeter-totter our way through this season.