Dec 5, 2019
It was infusion 15 of 18 yesterday, with only 3 to go... and after 15 infusions, I still felt- “this just isn’t normal.” Showing up for medicine day is just never easy, but we did it, and now it’s done.
While preparing for the infusion, I was met with the familiar feeling... a homesickness for normal. The infusions have become familiar, but they still leave us disoriented and confused with exhaustion. And, this season- this life with cancer integrated into our story, just still doesn’t seem our own. None of it feels normal, and I’ll admit, it’s hard to want it to.
As we drove through the snow storm and into the city, a memory came to mind from when I lived in China- over ten years ago, abroad with a boyfriend teaching English. I hated it when I first arrived in Shanghai, all the normalcy of my life- evaporated. I wallowed to friends back home about how everything was guesswork- the market with all the different products, the constant need for bartering, the language barrier, the grime, the smells and sounds- all so different than home. The differences were fascinating at first, but then they tired me. Culture shock was real. Not even the delicious steamy dumplings or slippery spiced noodles could keep my heart satisfied. After the excitement began wearing off and life was getting real, I just wanted the simplicity of comfort found in the familiar of doing what you know.
In many ways, our life now doesn’t feel so different from this period of coming to know the surroundings in China. We feel terrified and mystified most days, our senses always alert the way they can be in a new place. It would take a few seasons to learn the pavements of life in China, but in patience, I found a pace to my footing, made a few friends, and came to love life abroad.
The memories of familiar and normal have led us step by step through this year. Each day we progress, hoping one day our feet will learn to grip the ways in this upside down reality. Having found my footing many times before, I know that at some point, things will stick. Until then, we move through the shadows, puppeting the light, as we go.