Dec 16, 2019
It was a year last week since diagnosis. A year since news that makes your ears ring, like the deafening quiet heard after a bomb. A year since our sense of direction shifted, our compass bent on no turning back. A year since we learned to truly trust invisible things, feeling the enchanting cradle of invisible hands- the movement of life that swayed us.
It’s been staying the course. First with a long season of chemo, then a few months surrender in surgery, continued treatment, and three months of dedication to yoga training and PT. What a year! -
You have sadness in your walk, I was told, last week. Yes, I replied- it was true. There have been days when I’d have rather kept home to hide, or shudder up my eyes in public when the heart aches with healing, but what do I have anymore other than to live honestly, one step at a time. A given priority in a season of much fluctuation. Sorrow has not been the destination, but the salted path, the thing leaving us with a thirst for celebration. We’ve had to show up, to keep following the arrow, even when the direction broke our heart.
The day after being told this, I received a message that read, “You remind me of the SUN.” And then I beamed. Are there words more golden? I let the sun be my guide this year, always seeking its light. Steps bravely, out of the shadow, again and again to warmth. Each flicker we perceived traveled an incomprehensible distance. To be a mirrored sponge, let the sun shine on.
Yesterday was graduation from training, and I received 100 hugs. I woke still smelling the perfume of angels and what it means to be loved. After feeling exhausted and wanting to quit, after being angry at what I was confronting in my body, after finding it more emotionally challenging than it was physically- it was done! It wasn’t easy, but it was very good. We were champions side by side.
We all breathed joy filled relief and excitement, laced with the confetti of hope and pride. This year has been many things for me, top among them- hard. But, to find magic in the midst of the mire is my revenge. I’m in the mood for celebration.