May 11, 2019
Yesterday, I finally connected with a dear friend of mine. My friend and I didn’t say much, in fact, we spent most of the call crying. What do you say to a friend who is processing so much, mourning the loss of her body and context, while fighting for life? If you think you have the words, take a pause, but get on the phone.
Monday, we learned my surgery won’t wait till the fall, like I had hoped, in delusion. Having one more season in my full body felt possible, but with surgery now staring me in the face after another round of chemo, I’ve just not known how to think. I wanted a summer break from cancer; I guess that’s not how this goes! A desire to run has come over me, with nowhere to go, and not the energy. I mentioned this to my friend, marathoner extraordinaire, and she comforted in agreement, knowing the feeling.
We all search for the right words to offer a hurting friend. I could feel the tension of my friend wanting to tap into the right phrases, on the other end of the phone. I, too, felt a need to fill the air. My friend- this girl who is full of grace and wisdom, structure and perseverance. This friend, who has been busy learning and dreaming and becoming- She may not feel like she’s been present enough, but I know she’s shown up. Even without words or time, you can say it right by just opening and living. When life feels on hold, there is no greater joy than sharing in the life being lived by the ones you love. So open, friends, and share! Celebrating as she begins a new chapter, even from afar, that’s a gift for me! And I’m so thankful. What’s even more, when you know the road your friend is on isn’t one that was easy but they never gave up. When you saw what was too much for a person, and yet, there is triumph. This, this, kind of living and loving is what inspires. To share in this is sobering.
Friend, thank you for allowing me to stand to the side of your path. Thank you for allowing me to cheer for you, for inviting me. Thank you for living your beautifully precious life and not allowing anything to take grip of your hope.
May there be more friends like you.
Bravest fighter, lift your flame higher. You are lighting up the way.