Apr 22, 2019

Popping out from the worst of this round of chemo... My favorite things today are the sunlight on my face, fresh air, and an ice pack mid hot flash during the night. Nope, I still don't have the hang of this. Each cycle changes with its highs and lows, but I'm still waiting for it to feel easier. With two more rounds ahead, I sulk and wonder how am I going to do this twice more? I also wonder how have I already done this? All the past few months just feel like a grey mess. None of the memory of this feels like its sinking in, it all just seems washed out and vast. Reflecting on the past few months feels annoying and confusing. It's nearly May, and the last thing I remember is the pink lemonade they served on our flight back from Portugal to raise awareness for breast cancer. That lemonade that would tell me it’s time to go get my mamo. I think that was November. That pink lemonade!

It's surreal. Four cycles of chemo, but I'm still in shock over my diagnosis. I still don't believe I should have cancer. I still cry and wail, "I don't want to have cancer! How can this be? This isn't real!!” Maybe this is how it feels. Maybe this is how it feels until you finish treatment, until you have a double mastectomy, until you hear that you're clear. And maybe then, even that doesn't feel real.