Mar 10, 2020

It’s a wild time, a suspenseful time, isn’t it? I’ve felt the uncertainty again. I’ve felt uncertainty for many months, now. Many my friends, too. I’ve felt fear creep in with the new uncertainties, and I don’t like to live with fear anymore. But, I never really did.

It’s a wild mix of emotions, in uncertainty, and in the polarity of life. I struggle with the mix, as you might well know, feeling like a skipping record. The high and low so far fetched, and the way it feels cumbersome.

Yesterday was sunny and 65, in early March. I ate lunch in the hammock, swinging in the brightness that squinted my eyes. The food was sublime and colored, anti-viral potion on sourdough, my heart delighted by the sun, grateful, and yet I felt the poison of it all. I felt the shadow of Corona. I felt wrong to feel so much- such a array of emotion. Yellow highlight.

It’s always when I want it to feel just one dimension that I start to struggle. My desire for simplicity and pink sky, a human repulsion to discomfort, heady strong. It’s a lesson I’m learning over and over- it is just always a mix. You might find joy in the shit storm, and sadness after the rainbow. You might feel nothing, or the jackpot gold. Crowded spaces filled with why, place the reserved sign for what may be.

I let it all down, my worries. A pledge of upheaval to trying to figure out how it happened or how it will go. Taking a moment to not apologize for joy. And another, more please.

Picked up meat and potatoes for dinner, talked to a friend and let myself recognize the hard things I may still feel, decided again that its all gonna be ok. That yellow, my favorite antidote.

Another? Trash TV. And, tonight, the night we’ve been waiting for... I know we won’t be alone as we indulge in the mix that is The Bachelor finale. It’s dramatic, it’s complex, and truly, not even Peter knows how it will end! 🙈