Jul 13, 2019
Wednesday around the stroke of noon I hugged my dear Gordie and began my stride down the maze of hallways to the OR with my surgical team. After feeling a good sense of peace in the days preceding my surgery, I wasn’t sure how I’d feel as the moment realized. An hour before it was time, it all hit me once more. I really didn’t want to have to do this. I didn’t want this loss. And, I confessed to Gordon that I didn’t want to wake up from surgery. I let out more tears with each step toward the door, and my nurse and I agreed that all of it sucked.
Surgery took place on the 7th floor of the hospital and my eye caught the 7 on the OR door. I’m not superstitious, but my bday is 7-7-87 and I was born at 7am, and 7 is just a number that kinda feels kindred. I saw the 7 and told the team that it was my number, and then I took a deep breath as I entered. I took another deep breath as they strapped me down, and another as I went to sleep, clasping the hands of my nurses tightly. I am remembering now that 7 sometimes signifies completeness- quite.
Moments later, I woke up, or perhaps it was hours. I was in a little pain, but hungry for the hand of my steady one. We rounded a corner and found ourselves in my hospital room with giant windows filled with trees. Healing trees, I exclaimed! On the whiteboard up on the wall were a list of names. At the top of that list- nurse manager, “Godsfavor.” I noticed this name and laughed at the irony. It was true, there did seem to be luminous sunlit favor all around.
I’ve undergone a double mastectomy but I feel more like I’ve had a heart transplant. My loss has been eclipsed by gratitude and I feel deep healing love. I’m thanking God, and those who have been with me, for the rich blessings.
I’ve seen my new body and it is somehow a wonder. The body we call home, it is precious in all its forms for it gives us a place to dwell. I’ve wasted plenty of time criticizing the architecture and not embracing the cozy charm. I’m noticing now, yet I’ve missed it all along, the sun- it dances off the walls. Let us all not forget how important it is to be at home in ourselves with our eyes aware of that good light.